I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
