highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
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