I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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