I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Randomize
