I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
