So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
