remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
