I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize
