I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
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I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
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What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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