I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
