I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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