there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
