I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
