the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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