The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
