I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Drunk is not a location!
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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