If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
