If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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