so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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