I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
In other news, I just burned my penis
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
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