Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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