mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
