life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
