i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
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