I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
