I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
