I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
