i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
