...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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