I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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