do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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