theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
