I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
