$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
