he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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