My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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