Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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