I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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