I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
