Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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