i need an iv and a liver transplant
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
