i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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