Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
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