Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
My ass is underappreciated
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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