Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I am spending my child support on dildos
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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