do herpes really smell.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
