For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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