dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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