Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
