I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
