He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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