We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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