I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
