i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
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