ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
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