the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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