The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Randomize
