Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
