My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
