did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I think I won the penis lottery.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Randomize
