I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
